September 18, 2024
One of the most common causes of burnout is the feeling that you're not being fairly rewarded for the effort you're putting in. If that's you, it's probably worth addressing the issue. There's a good chance that will mean having a difficult conversation.
“Difficult conversation” is just another name for negotiation. For some reason we reserve “negotiation” for big-ticket processes involving contracts or hostages, but here’s the truth: any time we’re asking for something that creates a cost for someone else - even if it's only in their mind - we’re in negotiation territory.
That makes negotiation a key stress reduction skill. Reducing stress is more than just coping well with what’s being thrown at you - it’s also putting hard limits on what you agree to catch. Need to set a new boundary? Probably a negotiation. Need to reinforce an old one? Almost certainly a negotiation. Need to say “no” nicely? Likely to be a negotiation, especially if the person asking is in a position of power.
Managing stress is well recognised as a core negotiation skill, but the reverse is also true: you might only be negotiating a reasonable shut-down time, or the flexibility to dial in to that epic morning meeting rather than rushing to the office after dropping off the kids, but you’re still negotiating.
practice makes powerful
Managing everyday stressors via mini-negotiations can be a low-stakes daily practice that builds your negotiation muscle for bigger-ticket situations. Here are some core skills to put into practice:
- Define what’s most important: Is it leaving work by a set time each day so you can make it home for family dinner, or do you need a minimum level of downtime across the week, for example? Knowing your non-negotiables gives you guideposts on where to dig in vs. where you can offer some flexibility.
- Communicate clearly: Ask for what you want, and define your non-negotiables in a way that makes them concrete and self-evident. Provide examples. Be calm, clear, and if you need to, explain your reasoning.
- Offer options: This is where some flexibility is useful. Saying no politely and firmly on your non-negotiables is much easier if you have an alternative to put on the table. Convert the conversation into a problem-solving opportunity, with the aim of meeting everyone’s needs.
start with you
Too often, we go into difficult conversations with the assumption that we'll lose, because we’ve internalised the idea of the ideal worker, who never complains and always steps up. That means that in making the case for what you need, the first person we might need to convince is ourselves.
More accurately, we’ll need to force our executive function online. Executive function is the conscious, energy-intensive capability that allows us to override inaccurate assumptions, adjust unhelpful habits, and in particular to look objectively at real trade-offs. When we’re negotiating to reduce stress, we often go in begging because we’re missing a critical trade-off: between reasonable limits to stress now, vs. the real risk of burnout later. The ask is an investment rather than a cost.
Assuming you’re working for a swho would really rather not have to replace you, that reframing puts much more power in your hands. And that puts you in a very different mindset for your negotiation.
A small investment now for a big pay-off later is good for everyone. Go in assuming you’ve already won.
