May 30, 2024
If you think about emotional awareness as a video game, getting a good understanding of how others are feeling is like acing that final level: it takes practice, but the rewards in reduced stress are immediate.
Here's how to level up, and why it's worth doing:
Practise on yourself first
There's a reason the Levels of Emotional Awareness scale starts with being able to identify your own feelings first. If you can't work out what's going on for you, it's going to be especially tough to navigate what's going on for anyone else. The way we most often notice elevated emotion in someone else is by noticing a shift in our own feelings: surprised by a brusque response from a co-worker, or alert when a family member comes home slamming the door, for example.
These cues can be subtle, particularly when what the person is saying doesn't quite match up with their body language, tone of voice, or facial expression. In these cases, your first signal will most likely be a mild discomfort, perhaps a feeling that you're missing something.
If you miss these flags, it's easy either to get caught up in your own feelings, or to miss the opportunity altogether. Either way, it will be very hard to get curious and tune in to what's happening for the other person.
Observe and ask
When you're in a calm and curious state, it's much easier to describe what you're observing in a way that leads to constructive discussion rather than defensiveness. An observation like "That's not your usual tone. Is something going on that we should talk about?" invites discussion. This can correct your first impression, e.g., "I didn't mean to be rude, I was just distracted!", or help resolve a lurking issue, e.g., "I'm frustrated that you're asking again as I'm already feeling under pressure."
Either way, you'll improve your understanding of what's going on for the other person.
Opening the can of worms
We sometimes hesitate to raise feelings at all. They're still regarded as unprofessional in many workplaces, a sign of irrationality or weakness. However, this means we're missing valuable information. Noticing, naming, and discussing how we're feeling gives us better options for working together, and builds trust. It means we resolve potentially stressful situations faster, and build deeper social connections in the process. And that helps to reduce stress for everyone.
