February 15, 2024
We've all done it: in the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something we wish we hadn't said, or do something we regretted later. Here's how to recognise the danger signs, and practise responding skillfully rather than just reacting.
The emotional brain
Dr Dan Siegel likes to describe strong emotional reactions as happening when our brain "flips its lid". In his model, the brain is like a clenched fist, with the fingers wrapped over the thumb. The fingers represent the prefrontal cortex, where executive functions like planning, complex analysis, and impulse control happen. The thumb represents pre-conscious emotional systems, including the amygdala and hippocampus, while the heel of the hand represents the brain stem, which handles automatic functions like regulating breathing, balance and heartrate.
When something happens that creates a strong emotional reaction, the limbic system can override executive function to drive a very rapid response. That makes impulse control and smart planning much harder to do: in Siegel's model, the thumb is flipping the fingers out of the way so it can take over.
Keeping a lid on it
In the deep evolutionary past, this rapid response kept us alive: executive function wasn't useful in the event of a surprise attack by a predator or enemy. Today, however, when we're rarely in physical danger and our stressors are mostly social, it can be a liability.
Spotting the signs early and putting the right skills in place can make the difference between escalating a difficult situation, and navigating to an outcome that benefits everyone.
The first step is to notice when you're starting to feel worked up - when the thumb in Siegel's model is starting to take over. You may notice your breathing gets shallower and faster, or you're holding your breath. Your heartrate might increase, or your muscles might start to tense up. Whatever the pattern is for you, just practise noticing it, and describing it for yourself. You could use a phrase like "I'm noticing I'm feeling tense right now". Language is a prefrontal cortex function, so looking for a description will help to re-activate those executive functions. The more specific you are, the more work your executive function is doing.
Once you've noticed and named what's going on, you have more options. If you're finding it difficult to keep the lid on, you may want to give yourself some physical distance from the situation. Allow your body to calm your brain down by doing some breathing exercises, a few gentle yoga stretches, or a walk around the block.
When you've brought your executive function back into the driver's seat, it helps to get curious: what just happened to create this strong response? What need is that response drawing your attention to? How could you express that need in a way that's most likely to get it met?
Emotions evolved as a way to drive us into actions that kept us alive. They're about getting our needs met. Our environment might have changed, but used skillfully, they can still play that role.
