February 13, 2024
Boundaries are hard. They take time and effort to set, and they can take even more time and effort to protect. Here's why that effort is worthwhile, and some tips on how to make it easier.
Why boundaries matter
A lot of us treat life like it's a game of Tetris: you never know exactly what’s coming, the default assumption is that you’ll fit it all in (even when that’s clearly impossible), and it always seems to be getting faster.
Life doesn't work by Tetris rules, though. Winning isn't keeping up; it's working out what to catch. To do that in real time, all the time, you need a system.
In theory, you’ve always been in control of what you catch. In practice, the more often you have to work out whether to say yes or no, and the more often you have to negotiate the “no”, the easier it gets to just say yes. The more you say yes, the more you'll be asked to catch, so it pays to have a system in place that's based on clear boundaries.
Good boundaries hold the right space for what’s important, including the things no-one is ever going to throw at you, like time for exercise or mindfulness or a call with your elderly aunt who would never guilt-trip you.
And perhaps surprisingly, boundaries aren't a zero-sum game: limiting the time you spend on specific tasks is very likely to make you more efficient. You'll get more of the important stuff done, in less time.
What makes it hard to set boundaries
Boundaries aren’t easy for a reason: every social signal you get, from how the media define success to the vast majority of burnout research, is likely to make you feel like work is the only valid lens through which to view your time.
You may also have been brought up to prioritise other people's needs, ensuring everyone is happy and comfortable before you turn your attention to yourself.
These internal and external signals make boundary-setting as much about going against the social grain as it is about specific skills.
How to set good boundaries
The starting point for good boundaries is a five-minute exercise in jotting down what's important to you, and how much of your week you can allocate to each of those things. There are 112 hours available in your week, once you allow for 8 hours of sleep each night. It's one of the few hard limits in life, so every hour that paid work or other commitments take up beyond what you think they deserve is an hour you can't allocate to something else that's important to you.
Once you're clear on roughly how you want your week to run, it's time to let people know about any changes you'd like to make. This may mean some negotiating, but it's important that by the end of the conversation, your people understand your new routine, why it's important to you, and the (few!) situations when you'll make exceptions.
The final piece of the puzzle is reinforcing your boundaries, even when you're tempted to flex them. It will help to think ahead to the situations where this is likely to happen, and prepare how you'll respond. Recruit an accountability buddy to help you stick to your plan, and remind yourself that, like any new habit, the first few times are the hardest.
